New invention idea: vibrating tampons
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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