I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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