There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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