I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
