when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I supernannyed him into submission
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
