am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
