what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?