Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
