i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
