and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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