I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
