I have demons in me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
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one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.