Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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