I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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