the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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