awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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