upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
