I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
