just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
