also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
