I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
