Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
