I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
