I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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