Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They have beer where we have blood.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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