Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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