I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Congratulations! We have a period
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