sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
