I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
