did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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