I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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