I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
