If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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