connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize