Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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