A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
two words...techno handjob
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
