Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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