Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
