I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
