I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
