I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize