FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They took my balls.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
