I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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