i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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