Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
