you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
