hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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