wanna go halves on a baby?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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