Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I am available for nakedness
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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