You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
