Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
