i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
