You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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