Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
