Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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