Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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